Salt on Monday

It is the end of April and along with the inevitable showers and sloppy weather comes the NFL draft.
The Draft has become a huge deal for the NFL and I was planning a big blowout at some dingy sports bar, with wagering – only play money of course – on each pick, mocking the idiot Redskin fans, swilling draft beer, and generally having a grand ol’ time. Unfortunately, fellow contributor Chris Hoff, decided to hold his engagement party on that particular Saturday afternoon.

Now I understand that Chris is a Redskin fan, and the Redskins as a rule, pretty much opt out of the draft each and every year (they do this because they don’t see the benefit of drafting a young, relatively healthy player, at a reasonable cost - compared to the overpriced free agency market - who might develop some attachment to your team and system/coaches as he develops, and then could become a solid player on the field, and a positive influence in the locker room. Oh no no no, not for the Danny Boy Redskins this path of reason and patience. The Redskin plan is the same as selling your house and sleeping in a different hotel room from week to week, then wondering why you never feel settled). But have some compassion for the rest of us Chris, whose teams actually have a chance at making a run in the NFL playoffs.

( Not that any other bloggers here follow teams that have a chance except me and the blessed Dallas Cowboys. Seb is a Lions fan – and that in itself is about as rare as an English speaking Tim Hortons employee in Toronto – a team so screwed up that I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled out the ol’ flying wing formation in their first offensive series. Hey it worked for Red Grange! And Brad is a member of the perpetually lovable loser Eagles fan club. The last championship victory that city had happened in Rocky II).

Anyhow, I missed the draft for the most part. So after suffering through months of draft prospect profiles – ‘good bubble, stout at the point of attack’ – I had to miss the actual event. Thanks Chris. So instead of making bad decisions in a cheap pub, I was forced to stand around and make small talk, all the while pretending that I didn’t have a waiver offer in for Felix Hernandez. (That is the exact reason, in a nutshell, as to why I haven’t been dominating every fantasy league I have been in the past 18 months. How can you plan or strategize when you have guys who drop a huge young talent like Hernandez just because he got put on the 15 day DL? IN A KEEPER LEAGUE!!)

I missed the draft. And now I have to suffer the months of talk of draft ‘winners’ and ‘losers’. Of course how anyone can predict a draft winner when the players haven’t even said goodbye to their college girlfriends yet is beyond me. Shouldn’t we wait until they have at least found out where the football groupies hang out in the city that drafted them? I really don’t think that is too much to ask. I can’t even go to my favorite team blog – theboysblog.com – for solace, because the conversation there has disintegrated to the point that guys are writing PARAGRAPHS about how the kicker the Cowboys picked in the SIXTH ROUND isn’t as good as the kicker picked soon after. Thanks Chris…



Lets Go Raptors!

Sam and the boys went to Jersey and took a whippin’. When the game got out of hand – seemingly the second they left Toronto... - I was waiting for the Vince Carter ‘this game is done, now I can pretend I like my teammates’ bench joking, and I got it in spades on Sunday. VC was laughing it up with the scrubs in the fourth quarter after waxing the Raps for 27. Let’s face it people, the Raptors are in uncharted waters here. They don’t have anyone with playoff experience in the NBA - and I’m just not counting Rasho Nesterovic, because you can’t count on someone who doesn’t play when the game is on the line – and they don’t have anyone beside Chris Bosh to get some points where the big boys live under the hoop. I hope the Raptors can get a win here on Tuesday, but even if they somehow win on Tuesday, I just can’t see them getting to a game seven seeing as game 6 is in The Garden State.

It’s okay people. They needed this. They weren’t as good as they thought they were and the playoffs are teaching them that lesson. Would I prefer that they learned that lesson after beating the on-again-off-again Vince Carter? Of course I would. Just not happening this year is all.

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello

)))))



I want all you Cowboy haters out there to remember today. Because today is the day you can look back to and say “shit, that’s when the Cowboys started really kicking our asses again”.

The most popular Sports Team in North America (aka, the part of the World that Matters) finally choose a Maestro one Wade Phillips - Son of Bum - , (and really, when the old white guy with the pattern baldness wins a position of power, can any of us really ever be surprised?).

I don’t want to gush here, but when the Cowboys are beating the snot out of your favourite team next year – and Chris (Skins), Brad (Fleagles), Seb (incredibly, the Lions, THE LIONS?!), you too Natascha (whoever your team is this week) – you can say that you know a guy that predicted the rising of the Doomsday Dallas Defense.

When Demarcus Ware picks up his first Defensive POY award, you can say you heard it here first.

Mr. Ware just became Unblockable.

(I don’t want to get technical with you guys, but Mr Ware just spent Two years getting strong (265lbs) and fast enough (4.6 40 time) to control offensive Tackles at the LOS one on one, while remembering to split out into the flat and cover speedy RB’s, FB’s HB, and TE’s. Now he is moving into a system that will let him cheat that Tackle and stand over the TE or on the outside shoulder of the Tackle. I am frothing at the mouth thinking about his sack total next year. He might take out two QB’s on his own next year, and in Detroit that might be a blessing.)

But I digress.

What I want to talk about is the passing of the last true pin up girl, Anna Nicole Smith.



She died this week in a lavish hotel room in South Florida. (Had this been another era, she would have been penniless and living in a shack somewhere. I for one think that this is progress).

Anna became famous in the early nineties, the last era where you had to work for your porn. People actually bought magazines with pictures of naked women in them!
Really!
You couldn’t just google ‘sweater meat’ and get some relief whenever you felt like it. She was a stripper who was to go on to be playmate of the year and a model for Guess? Jeans. She then married an 89-year-old oil billionaire. (Will the arrows of Cupid ever be predictable?)



What I loved her for is her honesty. She grew up dirt poor, worked at the shittiest jobs – Fried Chicken joint waitress, Wal-Mart, Stripper – and managed to hit the jackpot by becoming a media circus in high heels. There was never a point where she claimed a yearning to be an actor, or singer, or fashion designer. She knew what was going on.

(I do know what the real tragedy is here: That poor people have little or no chance of escaping their poverty, and that some might say that Anna had to exploit herself to get out of poverty. Those same people might say that Women are exploited and emotionally destroyed without the rewards that Anna enjoyed. Some might even say that her exploitation of herself might have been what killed her in the end. I disagree with the last statement. I think that Anna Nicole knew what she was doing and did the best she could with what she had. The fact that her options were so limited is another topic...)

She was beautiful.
She would let pictures be taken of her while undressed.
She would be paid lavishly for that experience.

Adieu Mademoiselle Anna.
We all loved watching you make your way to the top.

National Campaign

There is an undeniable murmur of excitement building in the USA right now.
People are jockeying for position and campaigning in an attempting to gain the attention of the Nation. All in order to jump into that all important position – one of the most important positions in the Western World in fact – a position that only one position can hold.

This position is one that makes enormous demands on the successful person, so much so that most wonder why they put themselves through the ordeal. But nonetheless, people are jumping into the melee willy nilly. (God I have been waiting so long to get willy nilly into a sentence that I think I just got wood. No wait, that’s my belt buckle.)

Yes I’m talking about the Head Coaching position for the Dallas Cowboys.

I will understand if you thought that I was referring to the race to replace Dubya Bush in the White House, that marathon of willful mendacity. That orgy of branding. No, sorry, wrong position. I’m not talking about the position where you take orders from the Bilderberg Group (the shadowy cabal of Billionaires and World leaders who meet in secret) , I’m talking about the position where you take orders from Jerral Jones, (Oklahoma Billionaire who holds many press conferences).

In fact, the two positions have many similarities: They are at the top of their respective professions.

The USA is Top Dawg on this planet, no two ways about it. They are world leaders in terms of cultural influence, financial strength, and military power.
The Presidency of the United States is the shizzle in terms of American Political Power (and the perhaps in terms of World Political Power for that matter.) You instantly become the most recognizable face in the world. Even those who hate you know your every utterance.

Similarly the Dallas Cowboys are the crème de la crème in the Sporting World. Fully five of the top rated Television shows from 2006 involved the Dallas Cowboys.

(I might have just made that up. Like anyone can get more people in front of the T.V. than American Idol. The appeal is irresistible. It’s like watching a car crash or halitosis on a hot girl. You want to turn your head away, but…..)

The Cowboys were in four of the top 12 sporting events in North America for the year 2006. They are the biggest draw and the most valuable sports franchise in the highest rated league in the world. A league with a 4 BILLION dollar per year television deal.

(Wait, What’s that noise? Oh the Soccer fans are making noise? Shaddup already. Every four years the people in North America take a peek at footy while the flags are waving and then they go back to sports that are actually exciting. How big is that television deal for the African Soccer League? The South American League?
Yeah. I thought so. Stop bugging me already and go back to work at the call center.)

Case in point; who is the only team that could even make the headlines with a marathon like search for head coach? During Super Bowl week?!? That’s right. The Cowboys.

So in that spirit, I thought I would compare the candidates for both illustrious positions.
The Front Runners




Hillary Clinton/Norv Turner

Same deal: Underwhelming record in previous stints at the top.

Brother Difference: Hillary has the balls to deal with T.O.

Chances: At the front of the pack, but it is early.




Running Second

Barack Obama/Mike Singletary

Same deal: Strong presence, great speakers, possible all timers. Is the United States ready for a Black President? Are the Dallas Cowboys ready for a Black Head Coach?

Brother Difference: Obama will get less death threats if chosen for the position.

Chances: We can only hope people, we can only hope.



Best of the Rest

Rudi Giuliani/Wade Phillips

Same Deal: Pattern Baldness oozes wisdom and confidence.

Brother Difference: Rudi won something in New York State.

Chances: Old White Guy wins position of power. Hmmm, I think I have seen this before.



Longshots

Joe Biden/Gary Gibbs

Same Deal: They both have a little crazy in their eyes don’t they?

Brother Difference: Two words – Comb over.

Chances: Biden? For President? C’mon!!! Maybe to help finish off a keg or something. A guy named Gibbs, coach of the Cowboys?? Right. Next you’ll tell me that Bill Parcells is going to coach the Cowboys.




Snowballs Chance in Hell

John Edwards/Jason Garett

Same Deal: Nice Hair Guys!

Brother Difference: uhhh……

Chances: How old are these guys? Shouldn’t they graduate college first?