Much ado about nothing…

So here we are, at Sports Hype Overkill week.
Every year, sports media, bloated from their Super Bowl orgy, reflexively latch on to this meaningless week in the middle of winter.
Cabin Fever?
Maybe budgets are being compiled and they need to show their value? Who knows. What I do know is that the end of February/Beginning of March is the epitome of sports media hyperbole.
The NHL and NBA trade deadlines are followed as if they were national election results. (Yeah this is what we need. Pierre McGuire explaining how a fourth line winger will make all the difference come playoff time. Are we finished with this guy yet? He has the worst delivery of any sportscaster short of Tie Domi. The NBA just pretended that there was no trade deadline to worry about. OK. If I am Rod Thorn {New jersey Nets GM}, I know Vince is gone at the end of the year, I also know that I am life or death to make the playoffs. So what do I do at the trade deadline? Scratch myself. Yawn. Anything but make a trade. Feh….)
Never mind that there hasn’t been a truly spectacular trade at the deadline for years because the Caps in these leagues prevent GM’s from hurting their teams with stupid moves. (Oh how we miss you Maple Leaf General Manager Gord Stellick.)

The NFL has it’s Draft combine this week as well, and if you don’t get enough homo eroticism watching Prison Break, then this is must see television for you!

(Picture a room full of out of shape Older Men – pattern baldness ruling the day – looking at 21-24 year old athletes in their underwear – no shirts weeee!! – get weighed, and put through a series of tests. You haven’t lived till you have seen the grossly overweight Mike Holmgren stare down an underwear clad Draft hopeful from head to toe and comment on his ‘nice bubble’ butt.)

And the Combine is Televised!! Fuck the revolution; the NFL Draft Combine is Televised!! Hootie Hoo!!!!!!

I don’t get why fans get so excited about the physique of a possible draft pick. Do you want an Offensive lineman who can get out to the second level and put a hat on somebody, or do you want to make out with him after school? Do you want sacks from that Defensive End, or do you want to date him? Who cares what he looks like?

(On that note, I have never heard as many comments about a player’s physique as I have heard regarding Terrell Owens. One friend – who shall remain nameless ‘coff ‘CHRIS HOFF’ coff – just raved about Mr Owens’ body. I told him that I didn’t want to fuck T.O, I wanted him to catch touchdowns.)

The real event of this time frame is the annual Free Agency deadline in the NFL. See, unlike the other leagues, the salary cap in the NFL goes up every year.
And up.
And up.
And up.
During this time, smart teams – Like Indy, New England, and Dallas – cut veteran players and use the extra dough to sign players that are unrestricted free agents. Dumb teams – Redskins!!! – Overpay for mediocre talent and just eat up cap space that they might be able to use the next year to keep players from entering free agency. So to break it down, if the Redskins didn’t pay Adam – Special Teams Demon! – Archuleta a gazillion dollars last year to watch his back up play, they would have enough money to afford their starting Guard Derrick Dockery who is about to sign with hated rival Dallas – remember you read it here first.

(Of course the off season champion Redskins are now rumored to be looking at overpaying 32 year old LB London ‘Dot Com’ Fletcher. That team is as predictable as the Oscars. Who among us was surprised when we watched the ‘tears of a clown’ look on Forrest Whitaker’s face as he was receiving his Oscar?
I called this in October.
The dude just did ‘Battlefield Earth’ to pay the bills, he knew someone was going to do an Edi Amin biopic. Amin was rumored to have eaten his foes.
The script writes itself! How easy would funding have been, just mention the cannibalism of an African Leader to prospective backers and watch the chequebooks fly open! Good lord, the Coors family alone probably put up about 20 mil.)